October 2026 . . . .

“Boo!”

Gone is the summer season, delighted with evening songs of cicadas and turkey and cheese sandwiches by the pool. Oh boy, how exciting it is to look forward to brisk mornings and cinnamon-spiced caffeine and the whimsical tradition of waiting until the last moment to think of an above-average Halloween costume idea. Say goodbye to the dog days of 104 and sunny, and say hello to 83 and slightly less sunny. Take a brief break from the scary news articles, put down the recalled turkey sub, and beat the autumnal equinox heat with a popsicle that may or may not have glass shards in it. With the spooky season soon among us, and with enough “scary” as things stand, here’s a tiered list of irrational fears, with little to no additional context:



“Everyone thinks this”


Closing your eyes in the pool / shower and a shark swimming toward you.


Teeth falling out, e.g., all at once, like you did as a child — pushing your tongue against it until it wiggles out, or one by one, plonking out of their sockets like apples off a tree. Note: potentially caused by scurvy and while experiencing other symptoms.


Rabies-ridden bats flying out when you check your mailbox. Sending a bad word in an e-mail. Thanks so much, cunt magically typing itself in the eight milliseconds it took to blink and press send.


Driving behind a logging semi on the highway and the logs break loose and smash into your car Inception-style.



“Slightly more niched”


Going to get a haircut, hairdresser carrying trimmer (which of course just so happens to be on) sneezes while walking past your chair — whoops! You’re bald now.


Somehow doing taxes incorrectly, thus ensuring an FBI raid and you consequently getting arrested for fraud.


Snake coming out from the toilet while you pee.


Slipping and falling while cleaning your ear with a Q-tip and it lodging all the way into your head.



“Potentially seek a healthcare provider”


Mirrors in dark rooms. I can’t see what’s on it. What is it reflecting? You don’t know and you can’t tell me.


Getting lost in outer space. Just flailing and frog-kicking in place.


Waking up from a dream one morning and waking up in a different seven-year-old version of yourself and realizing the life you had lived beyond that point was all a dream.


Moths being the bouba of a butterfly’s kiki. No explanation.


Relaxing on the beach, seeing the sand start to move and build itself up from the ground, and out comes Sandman from 2007’s Spider-Man 3, sprinting toward you.


Goodnight! Sweet dreams!